LOVE LIFE

 

First Date Behaviour

Is Honesty Really The Best Policy On Dates?

I don’t know about you, but there are details of my sexual history that I’m reluctant to share with a fully-fledged boyfriend, let alone someone I’ve just met online and might be going for a beer with. So then, how honest should you be on a date?
There’s clearly a difference between ‘lying’ and ‘withholding information,’ especially when it comes to dating. Going on a date with a girl who you explicitly told you were single, when really you have a live-in girlfriend would make you — ta da! — a liar. Going on a date with a girl and withholding the sordid details of your last breakup doesn’t make you a liar. You have no obligation to divulge such personal information. Even if she was to ask how your last relationship ended, you’re entitled to brush it off with; "It’s complicated, things didn’t work out too well but I’ll bore you with details another day," before briskly changing the subject and getting another round in. First dates should be about chemistry, finding out who you are and what you like and seeing if there’s enough of a spark for another date.
Possibly one of the least sexiest dates I’ve been on was with a man who revealed that his last two girlfriends had cheated on him and that he’s prone to the "odd bout" of depression. If I liked the guy and it was a (good) few dates in before I became privy to his troubled past, I’d be sympathetic. But the first date? Way too much information. I didn’t see him again after that.
The problem with over-sharing is, it freaks us out. Getting to know someone on a date is talking about your kooky family or sharing a holiday anecdote. Getting to know each other in a relationship is when the potentially uncomfortable truth comes out. I mean, if I’m on a first date with a guy I fancy I’m not going to admit that I’m prone to mood swings, hogging the bed and "odd bouts" of jealousy, am I?
From my dating experience, some topics should absolutely be out of bounds for the first date:
Your insecurities
We all have them, sure, and in time they’ll surface. And that's fine. But if you’re trying to impress a woman, she needs to think of you as strong and capable, not needy and emotional.
Your past
We want to know about you, not the bitch who broke your heart.
Your finances
Nothing is more of a mood killer than a man who moans. A man who moans about money — or lack of — is about as attractive as Boris Johnson in Speedos.
And the things you should always be honest about:
If you have children
You surely won’t want to waste your time dating a child-hater, and she won’t thank you for withholding such information, so let it out nice and early.
Your future
Having aspirations and goals is really sexy.
Your marital status
Note: ‘separated’ does not mean ‘single.’ It means ‘still married.’ You wouldn’t believe the number of girls I know who’ve found out, mid-third-date that his divorce is still ‘in progress.’
So, remember: lies aren’t cool, but retaining a sense of mystery certainly is.

How to Make Close Friends

Tips on Meeting People and Building Strong Friendships

We all know that friendship is a good thing. But did you know that friends have a huge impact on your happiness and quality of life? Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, prevent loneliness and isolation, and even strengthen your health. Despite their importance, close friendships don’t just happen. Many of us struggle to meet new friends and develop quality connections. Even when we’re willing to put in the time and effort, we don’t always know how to go about it. But whatever your age or circumstances, it's never too late to make new friends or reconnect with old ones. These tips can help.

Why friends are important

Our society tends to place an emphasis on romantic relationships. We think that if we can just find that right person, we’ll be happy and fulfilled. But research shows that friends are more important to psychological well-being than even our love and family relationships. Friends bring more happiness into our lives than virtually anything else. Not only that, our friendships (or lack thereof) have a powerful impact on our physical health. Studies show that a lack of social connection can be as damaging as smoking, drinking too much, or leading a sedentary lifestyle. The quality of our friendships is even tied to longevity.

Why online friends aren’t enough

Technology has shifted the definition of friendship in recent years. With the click of a button, we can add a friend or make a new connection. But having hundreds of online friends is not the same as having a close friend you can turn to or be with in person. Technology can facilitate social opportunities by helping you reconnect with old friends, start new relationships with people around the world who share similar interests, and maintain relationships with friends who don't live nearby. However, online friends can't hug you when a crisis hits, visit you when you're sick, or celebrate a happy occasion with you after work.
Our most important and powerful connections happen when we’re face-to-face. So make it a priority to stay in touch in the real world, not just online. You’ll get a lot more out of an in-person conversation than you will over text or social media comments.

The benefits of friendship

Good friends add special meaning to life. They help you share the good times and overcome the difficult ones. Among other things, good friends can:

• Improve your mood. Happiness can be infectious. Spending time with happy and positive friends can elevate your mood and boost your outlook.
• Help you to reach your goals. Whether you're trying to get fit, give up smoking, or otherwise improve your life, encouragement from a friend can really boost your willpower and increase your chances of success.
• Reduce your stress and depression. Having an active social life can bolster your immune system and help reduce isolation, a major contributing factor for depression.
• Support you through tough times. Even if it's just having someone to share your problems with, friends can help you cope with serious illness, the loss of a job or loved one, the breakup of a relationship, or any other challenge in life.
• Support you as you age. As you age, retirement, illness, and the death of loved ones can often leave you isolated. Having people you can turn to for company and support can provide purpose as you age and be a buffer against depression, disability, hardship, and loss. Staying socially engaged as you age keeps you feeling positive and boosts your happiness.
• Boost your sense of self-worth. Friendship is a two-way street, and the “give” side of the give-and-take contributes to your own sense of value and self-worth. Being there for your friends makes you feel needed and adds purpose to your life.

What to look for in a friend

Ideally, a friend is someone you trust who shares a deep level of understanding and communication with you. A good friend will show a genuine interest in what's going on in your life, what you have to say, and how you think and feel about things. He or she will accept you for who you are and listen to you attentively without judging you, telling your how to think or feel, or trying to change the subject.
As friendship works both ways, a friend is also someone you feel comfortable supporting and accepting, and someone with whom you share a bond of trust and loyalty. A good friend will feel comfortable sharing things about themselves with you.

Focus on the way a friendship feels, not what it looks like

When looking for new friends, try not to get too caught up in external qualifications and criteria. The most important thing in a friendship is how the relationship makes you feel—not how it looks on paper, how many things you have in common, or what others think. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I feel better after spending time with this person?
• Do I feel free to be myself around this person?
• Do I feel safe, or do I feel like I have to watch what I say and do?
• Is the person supportive of me? Does he or she treat me with respect?
• Is this a person I feel that I could trust?

The bottom line: it the friendship feels good, it is good. But if a person tries to control you, criticizes you, abuses your generosity, or brings unwanted danger, drama, or negative influences into your life, it’s time to take a hard look at the value of the friendship. A good friendship does not require you to act against your own values, always agree with the other person, or disregard your own needs.

How to be more friendly and social

If you tend to be introverted or shy, it can feel uncomfortable to put yourself out there socially. But you don't have to be naturally outgoing or the life of the party to make new friends. You can make the extra effort to be more friendly and open to others, while still maintaining your own personality.

• Focus on others, not yourself. The key to connecting to other people is showing interest in them. When you’re truly interested in someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll make far more friends by showing your interest rather than trying to get people interested in you.
• Be genuine. Showing interest in others can’t be faked. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, others will pick up on it. Rather than fostering greater connection, your efforts will likely backfire. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. If you’re not genuinely interested in the other person, than stop trying to connect.
• Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.

Self-disclosure: the key to turning acquaintances into friends

We all have acquaintances—people we exchange small talk with as we go about our day or trade jokes or insights with online. These relationships can be fulfilling in their own right, but what if you want to turn a casual acquaintance into a true friend?
Friendship is characterized by intimacy. True friends know things about each other: their values, struggles, goals, and interests. If you’d like to transition from acquaintances to friends, the best way to do so is to open up to the other person. You don’t have to reveal your most closely-held secret. Start small with something a little bit more personal than what you normally discuss and see how the other person responds. Do they seem interested and receptive? Do they reciprocate by disclosing something about themselves?

Gauging interest

Establishing and maintaining a friendship takes time and effort, and not everyone is open to that at all times. Friendship takes two, so it’s important to evaluate whether the other person is looking for new friends.

• Do they ask you questions about yourself, as if they’d like to get to know you better?
• Do they tell you things about themselves beyond surface small talk?
• Do they give you their full attention when you see them?
• Does the other person seem interested in exchanging contact information or making specific plans to get together?

If you can’t answer “yes” to most of these questions, the person may not be the best candidate at this time for friendship. They may not be open to a new friendship now, even if they genuinely like you. Maybe their social calendar is already overfilled or they’re too busy with other responsibilities. There are many possible reasons, so try not to take it personally!

Tips for meeting new people

Proximity is a huge factor in who we become friends with. We tend to make friends with people we cross paths with regularly: people we go to school with, work with, or live next to. The more we see someone, the more likely the chance of a friendship developing. So the places you frequent regularly are a good place to look for potential friends.
Another big factor in friendship is common interests. We tend to be drawn to people we share things with: an offbeat sense of humor, hobby, the same cultural background, a shared major or career path, kids the same age. Think about the things you like to do, the causes you care about, or anything you’re passionate about. Where could you go to meet people who share the same interests?

Making new friends: Where to start

When looking for places to meet new people, try to be open to new ideas and experiences. Not everything you try will be successful but you can always learn from the experience and hopefully have some fun while you’re at it.

• Volunteering can be a great way to help others while also meeting new people. Volunteering also gives you the opportunity to regularly practice and develop your social skills.
• Take a class or join a club to meet people with common interests, such as a book group, dinner club, or sports team. Websites such as Meetup.com can help you find local groups or start your own and connect with others who share similar interests.
• Walk a dog. It's good exercise for you, great fun for the animal, and an excellent way to meet people. Dog owners often stop and chat while their dogs sniff or play with each other. If dog ownership isn't right for you, volunteer to walk dogs from a shelter or a local rescue group.
• Invite a neighbor or work colleague for a drink or to a movie. Lots of other people feel just as uncomfortable about reaching out and making new friends as you do. Be the one to break the ice. Your neighbor or colleague will thank you later.
• Track down old friends via social media sites. Make the effort to reconnect and then turn your "online" friends into "real-world" friends by meeting up for coffee instead of chatting on Facebook or Twitter.
• Connect with your alumni association. Many colleges have alumni associations that meet regularly. You already have the college experience in common; talking about old times can be an easy conversation starter. Some associations also sponsor community service events or workshops where you can meet more people.
• Carpool to work. Many companies offer carpool programs. If your employer doesn't, simply ask your colleagues if they would like to share rides. It's a good conversation starter and will help you connect to people who live near you, as well as save on transport costs.
• Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals, or other community events where you can meet people with similar interests. Check with your library or local paper for events near you.

What's stopping you from making friends?

Is something stopping you from building the friendships you’d like to have? Here are some of the common reasons people give—plus what you can do about it.

Too busy

Lots of us feel overbooked and overstressed, so it’s not surprising that we sometimes feel too busy for friends. Developing and maintaining friendships does take time and effort—there’s no getting around it. But even with a packed schedule, you can find ways to prioritize your friendships and make the time.

• Put it on your calendar. Schedule time for your friends just as you do for your less-enjoyable responsibilities. Make it automatic with a weekly or monthly standing appointment. Or simply make sure that you never leave a get together with a friend without setting the next date.
• Mix business and pleasure. Figure out a way to combine your socializing with errands or activities that you or your friend has to do anyways. It can be anything: going to the gym, getting a pedicure, walking the dog, shopping. It’s an easy way to spend time together while still being productive.
• Group it. If you truly don’t have time for multiple one-on-one sessions with friends, set up a group get together. It’s a good way to connect and also to introduce your friends to each other. Of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re organizing a compatible group.

Fear of rejection

Making new friends means putting yourself out there, and that can be scary. It’s especially intimidating if you’re someone with trust issues—someone who's been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond.
When you’re unable to trust others, your friendships will be dominated by fear—fear of betrayal, fear of being let down, fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is possible to learn to trust others. By working with the right therapist, you can identify the source of your mistrust and explore ways to build trust in existing and future friendships.
For more general insecurities and fear or rejection, it helps to evaluate your attitude. Are you telling yourself that if someone isn’t as interested in you as you are in them that it will be absolutely horrible and humiliating and the worst thing ever? Do you feel as if any rejection will haunt you forever or prove that you’re unlikeable or destined to be friendless? These fears get in the way of making satisfying connections. In that way, fear of rejection can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to be rejected, but there are healthier ways to look at it that can make it less upsetting.

• Just because someone isn’t interested in talking or hanging out doesn’t automatically mean they’re rejecting you as a person. They may be busy, distracted, or have other things going on.
• If someone does reject you, that doesn’t mean that you’re worthless or unlovable. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they misread you or misinterpreted what you said. Or maybe they’re not a nice person! Again, a rejection is not necessarily a reflection on you.
• You’re not going to like everyone you meet, and vice versa. Like dating, building a solid network of friends can be a numbers game. Try to focus on the long-term goal of making quality connections, rather than getting caught up in the friendships that didn’t pan out.
• Keep rejection in perspective. It never feels good, but it’s rarely as bad as you imagine it will be. It’s unlikely that others are sitting around talking about it. There’s no big “R” for reject on your forehead branding you for life. Instead of beating yourself up, give yourself credit for trying and see what you can learn from the experience.

Improve your friendships by being a better friend

Remember that making a friend is just the beginning of the journey into friendship. Friendships take time to form and even more time to deepen. In order to move from acquaintance to close friend, you need to nurture and invest in that new connection. It's a process that requires time, effort, and a genuine interest in the other person.

• Be the friend that you would like to have. Treat your friend just as you want them to treat you. Be reliable, thoughtful, trustworthy, and willing to share yourself and your time.
• Be a good listener. To develop a solid friendship with someone, be prepared to listen and support them just as you want them to listen and support you.
• Give your friend space. Don't be too clingy or needy, and be sure not to abuse your friend's generosity. Everyone needs space to be alone or spend time with other people as well.
• Don't set too many rules and expectations. Instead, allow your friendship to evolve naturally. You're both unique individuals so your friendship probably won't develop exactly as you expect.
• Be forgiving. No one is perfect and every friend will make mistakes. No friendship develops smoothly so when there's a bump in the road, try to find a way to overcome the problem and move on. It will often deepen the bond of friendship between you.

How to Find Lasting Love

Dating Tips for Finding the Right Person

A healthy, loving relationship can enhance many aspects of your life, from your emotional and mental well-being to your physical health and overall happiness. For many of us, though, finding someone we want to share our lives with can seem like an impossible task. But don’t despair, even if you have a history of relationships that don’t last or if you feel burned out by traditional and online dating, you can still learn how to find lasting love.

Obstacles to finding lasting love

Life as a single person offers many rewards, including learning how to build a healthy relationship with yourself. However, if you’re ready to share your life with someone and want to build a lasting, worthwhile relationship, life as a single person can also be very frustrating.
Finding the right romantic partner is often a difficult journey, for several reasons. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. Or maybe your dating history consists only of short, abrupt relationships where you or your partner gets bored too soon, and you don't know how to make a relationship last. You could be attracted to the wrong type of person or keep making the same bad choices over and over, due to an unresolved issue from your past. It's also possible you're not putting yourself in the best environments to meet the right person, or that when you do, you don't feel confident enough to approach someone. Whatever the case may be, it's important to believe that a healthy romantic relationship for you exists in the future.
It's also important to recognize that relationships are never perfect and always require lots of work, compromise, and a willingness to resolve conflict in a positive way. To find and build any relationship worth keeping, you may need to start by re-assessing some of your misconceptions about dating and relationships that can prevent you from finding lasting love:

Common Myths About Dating and Looking for Love
Myth	Reality
“I can only be happy and fulfilled if I’m in a relationship.” or “It’s better to have a bad relationship than no relationship.”	While there are health benefits that come with being in a healthy relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being single, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in.” Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.
“If I don’t feel an instant attraction to someone, it’s not a relationship worth pursuing.”	This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.
“Women have different emotions than men.”	Women and men feel similar things but sometimes express their feelings differently, often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.
“True love is constant.” or “Physical attraction fades over time.”	Love is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones but emotion often influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion can become stronger over time.
“I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about someone.”	You can’t change anyone. People only change if and when they want to change.
“I didn’t feel close to my parents, so intimacy is always going to be uncomfortable for me.”	It’s never too late to change any pattern of behavior. Over time, and with enough effort, you can change the way you think, feel, and act.
“Disagreements always create problems in a relationship.”	Conflict doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. With the right resolution skills, conflict can also be an opportunity for growth in a relationship.

Expectations about dating and finding love

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. However, retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

Consider what's really important when looking for love

What feels right to you?

When looking for lasting love, forget what looks right, forget what you think should be right, and forget what your friends, parents, or other people think is right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship feel right to me?

The first step to finding a suitable partner is to distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not. Wants include the things you think you'd like in a partner, including occupation, intellect, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits may appear to be crucially important to you at first, over time you'll often find that you've been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more important, or at least as important, to find someone who is:

• Curious rather than extremely intelligent. Curious people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are bright may languish intellectually if they lack curiosity.
• Sensual rather than sexy.
• Caring rather than beautiful or handsome.
• A little mysterious rather than glamorous.
• Humorous rather than wealthy.
• From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific ethnic or social background.

Needs are different than wants in that needs are those things that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at a bar before last call.

What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:

• Mutual respect
• Trust
• Honesty
• Support
• Fairness/equality
• Separate identities
• Good communication
• A sense of playfulness/fondness

Source: UW Seattle

Dating tips to help you find love #1: Keep things in perspective

• Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.
• Remember that first impressions aren't always reliable. Especially when it comes to Internet dating, people don’t always accurately portray themselves. Regardless of where or how you meet someone, though, it always takes time to really get to know that person. You have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations, some good and some not so good, before you really know him or her. For example, how well does this person hold up under pressure when things don't go well or when they're tired, frustrated, or hungry?
• Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has a flaw—or several—and, for a relationship to last, you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person he or she thinks you have the potential to become. In many cases, what you consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and appealing. By being honest and shedding all pretense, you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to a fulfilling relationship.
• Invest in a vertical relationship before you invest in a horizontal relationship. Don't be too quick to make a relationship sexual as it often becomes harder to develop a good vertical relationship afterwards. Even though it can be difficult in this day and age, try to take your time to get to know someone first. It will only lead to a more satisfying sexual relationship down the road.

Dating tips to help you find love #2: Put a priority on having fun

Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services like speed dating may prove successful and enjoyable for some people, but for many they lack spontaneity and often feel more like high-pressure job interviews than fun social occasions. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.
Think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to meet new people, expand your social circle, and participate in new events. Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, find and participate in activities that interest you. Make your focus having fun, whatever that means to you. You don’t have to be the life of the party or be endlessly cracking jokes to have fun. But by pursuing activities you enjoy and by putting yourself in a new environment, it's likely you'll meet new people who share similar interests and values. By focusing on simply having fun, even if you don’t meet that special someone, you will still have enjoyed yourself and maybe forged new friendships as well.
Here are some tips to find fun activities and like-minded people:

• Volunteer for a favorite charity, animal shelter, or political campaign. Or even try a volunteer vacation (for details see Resources section below).
• Take an extension class at a local college or university.
• Sign up for dance classes, cooking classes, or art classes.
• Join a running club, hiking group, cycling group, or sports team.
• Join a theater group, film group, or attend a panel discussion at a museum.
• Find a local book group or photography club.
• Attend local food and wine tasting events or art gallery openings.
• Be creative: Write a list of activities available in your area and, with your eyes closed, randomly put a pin in one, even if it’s something you would never normally consider. How about pole dancing, origami, or lawn bowling? Getting out of your comfort zone can be rewarding in itself.

Dating tips to help you find love #3: Learn to handle rejection gracefully

At some point, everyone looking for love is going to have to deal with rejection—both as the person being rejected and the person doing the rejecting. Some people can be overcome with anger, embarrassment, or anxiety when faced with rejection, or are so frightened of it happening again, they avoid dating or starting new relationships. Others find it so difficult to reject another person, they find themselves caught up in prolonged, unhealthy relationships.
By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less intimidating. The key is to accept that rejection is an inevitable part of dating but to not spend too much time worrying about it. It’s never fatal.

Tips for handling rejection when dating and looking for love

• Don’t take it personally. If you’re rejected after one or a few dates, the other person is likely only rejecting you for superficial reasons you have no control over—some people just prefer blondes to brunettes, chatty people to quiet ones—or because they are unable to overcome their own issues, such as a fear of commitment. Be grateful for early rejections in a relationship as it can spare you much more pain down the road.
• Don’t dwell on it, but learn from the experience. Don’t beat yourself up over any mistakes you think you made. If it happens repeatedly, though, take some time to reflect on how you relate to others, and any problems you need to work on. Then let it go. By dealing with rejection in a healthy way it can increase your strength and resilience.
• Acknowledge your feelings. It’s often normal to feel a little hurt, resentful, disappointed, or even sad when faced with rejection. It's important to acknowledge your feelings without trying to suppress them. If you practice mindfulness, you’ll find that staying in touch with your feelings helps you quickly move on from negative experiences.

Dating tips to help you find love #4: Watch for relationship red flags

It's important to be aware of red-flag behaviors that may indicate a relationship is not going to lead to healthy, lasting love. In such cases, it's better to cut your losses early, rather than invest time in a relationship that isn't good for you or the other person. Trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel. If you tend to feel insecure, ashamed, or undervalued, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Common relationship red flags:

• The relationship is alcohol dependent. You only communicate well—laugh, talk, make love—when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances.
• There’s trouble making a commitment. For some people commitment is much more difficult than others. It's harder for them to trust others or to understand the benefits of a long-term relationship because of previous experiences or an unstable home life growing up.
• Nonverbal communication is off. Instead of wanting to connect with you, the other person’s attention is on other things like his or her phone or the TV.
• Jealousy about outside interests. One partner doesn’t like the other spending time with friends and family members outside the relationship.
• Controlling behavior. There is a desire on the part of one person to control the other, stop him or her from having independent thoughts and feelings.
• The relationship is exclusively sexual. There is no interest in the other person other than a physical interest. A meaningful and fulfilling relationship depends on more than just good sex.
• No one-on-one time. One partner only wants to be with the other as part of a group of people. If there’s no desire to spend quality time alone with you, outside of the bedroom, it can signify a greater issue.

Dating tips to help you find love #5: Deal with trust issues

Mutual trust is a cornerstone of any close personal relationship. If there is no trust in a relationship, it's impossible for you to feel safe and cared for by another person, or to make that person feel safe and cared for. In other words, without trust, lasting love can never blossom. Of course, trust doesn’t develop overnight; it develops over time as your connection with another person deepens and you learn more about each other. However, if you're someone with trust issues—someone who's been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond—then you may find it impossible to trust others and find lasting love.
When you’re unable to trust others, your romantic relationships will be dominated by fear—fear of being betrayed by the other person, fear of being let down, or fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is possible to learn to trust others. By working with the right therapist, you can identify the source of your mistrust and explore ways to build trust in existing and future relationships.

Therapy for trust issues

The key to overcoming trust issues in your personal relationships is to work with a therapist you feel comfortable talking to, someone who will be your partner in overcoming the problem. Obviously, having trust issues can make finding a therapist you trust and feel comfortable with difficult, but for many people the therapy process can be the ideal way to learn to trust again.
Don’t be discouraged if you think therapy is inaccessible or too expensive. Group therapy may be more affordable than individual therapy and can be just as effective at dealing with trust issues. In fact, having more people present means there are more opportunities for you to practice developing trust. Alternately, some individual therapists will accept sliding scale payments where you pay what you can afford for each session, while some community organizations offer therapy at discounted rates. To learn more, read: Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal.
Learning to develop trust is a process, but with the right help you can be rewarded with richer, more fulfilling relationships and the chance to find lasting love.

Dating tips to help you find love #6: Nurture your budding relationship

Remember that finding the right person is just the beginning of the journey, not the destination. In order to move from casual dating to a committed, loving relationship, you need to nurture that new connection. It's a process that requires time, effort, and a genuine interest in the other person as a whole. It also requires an openness to compromise and change.
All relationships change over time. You’ll change over time, your partner will change, and so will both of your needs and expectations. What you want from a relationship at the beginning may be very different from what you and your partner want from that same relationship a few months or years down the road.
For a romantic relationship to blossom into lasting love you need to be willing and able to:

• Invest in the relationship. No relationship will run smoothly without regular attention, so ask yourself if you are willing to invest the time and effort into this relationship. Often, after the initial blush of romance has faded, couples switch off from one another, but the more you invest in each other, the more you grow to care. Find things you enjoy doing together and commit to spending the time to do them, even when you’re busy or stressed.
• Communicate openly. Is your partner genuinely interested in your thoughts and feelings? Are you comfortable expressing your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings around this person? Are you playful, open, and able to laugh together and enjoy each other's company? Your partner is not a mind reader, so tell him or her how you feel. When you both feel comfortable expressing your needs, fears, and desires, the bond between you will become stronger and deeper.
• Resolve conflict by fighting fair. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. No matter how you approach the differences in your relationship, the important thing is that you aren't fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe to express the things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and to be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on being right.
• Accept change. Every relationship changes and goes through good and bad periods, but overall a healthy relationship should continue to be good for you. It should bring the best out in you and should not only make you happier, but also make you a better person: kinder, more empathic, and more generous.

• How to Make Close Friends

  Tips on Meeting People and Building Strong Friendships

  We all know that friendship is a good thing. But did you know that friends have a huge impact on your happiness and quality of life? Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, prevent loneliness and isolation, and even strengthen your health. Despite their importance, close friendships don’t just happen. Many of us struggle to meet new friends and develop quality connections. Even when we’re willing to put in the time and effort, we don’t always know how to go about it. But whatever your age or circumstances, it's never too late to make new friends or reconnect with old ones. These tips can help.
  

  Why friends are important

  Our society tends to place an emphasis on romantic relationships. We think that if we can just find that right person, we’ll be happy and fulfilled. But research shows that friends are more important to psychological well-being than even our love and family relationships. Friends bring more happiness into our lives than virtually anything else. Not only that, our friendships (or lack thereof) have a powerful impact on our physical health. Studies show that a lack of social connection can be as damaging as smoking, drinking too much, or leading a sedentary lifestyle. The quality of our friendships is even tied to longevity.
  

  Why online friends aren’t enough

  Technology has shifted the definition of friendship in recent years. With the click of a button, we can add a friend or make a new connection. But having hundreds of online friends is not the same as having a close friend you can turn to or be with in person. Technology can facilitate social opportunities by helping you reconnect with old friends, start new relationships with people around the world who share similar interests, and maintain relationships with friends who don't live nearby. However, online friends can't hug you when a crisis hits, visit you when you're sick, or celebrate a happy occasion with you after work.
  Our most important and powerful connections happen when we’re face-to-face. So make it a priority to stay in touch in the real world, not just online. You’ll get a lot more out of an in-person conversation than you will over text or social media comments.
  

  The benefits of friendship

  Good friends add special meaning to life. They help you share the good times and overcome the difficult ones. Among other things, good friends can:
  

  • Improve your mood. Happiness can be infectious. Spending time with happy and positive friends can elevate your mood and boost your outlook.
  • Help you to reach your goals. Whether you're trying to get fit, give up smoking, or otherwise improve your life, encouragement from a friend can really boost your willpower and increase your chances of success.
  • Reduce your stress and depression. Having an active social life can bolster your immune system and help reduce isolation, a major contributing factor for depression.
  • Support you through tough times. Even if it's just having someone to share your problems with, friends can help you cope with serious illness, the loss of a job or loved one, the breakup of a relationship, or any other challenge in life.
  • Support you as you age. As you age, retirement, illness, and the death of loved ones can often leave you isolated. Having people you can turn to for company and support can provide purpose as you age and be a buffer against depression, disability, hardship, and loss. Staying socially engaged as you age keeps you feeling positive and boosts your happiness.
  • Boost your sense of self-worth. Friendship is a two-way street, and the “give” side of the give-and-take contributes to your own sense of value and self-worth. Being there for your friends makes you feel needed and adds purpose to your life.

  What to look for in a friend

  Ideally, a friend is someone you trust who shares a deep level of understanding and communication with you. A good friend will show a genuine interest in what's going on in your life, what you have to say, and how you think and feel about things. He or she will accept you for who you are and listen to you attentively without judging you, telling your how to think or feel, or trying to change the subject.
  As friendship works both ways, a friend is also someone you feel comfortable supporting and accepting, and someone with whom you share a bond of trust and loyalty. A good friend will feel comfortable sharing things about themselves with you.
  

  Focus on the way a friendship feels, not what it looks like

  When looking for new friends, try not to get too caught up in external qualifications and criteria. The most important thing in a friendship is how the relationship makes you feel—not how it looks on paper, how many things you have in common, or what others think. Ask yourself the following questions:
  

  • Do I feel better after spending time with this person?
  • Do I feel free to be myself around this person?
  • Do I feel safe, or do I feel like I have to watch what I say and do?
  • Is the person supportive of me? Does he or she treat me with respect?
  • Is this a person I feel that I could trust?

  The bottom line: it the friendship feels good, it is good. But if a person tries to control you, criticizes you, abuses your generosity, or brings unwanted danger, drama, or negative influences into your life, it’s time to take a hard look at the value of the friendship. A good friendship does not require you to act against your own values, always agree with the other person, or disregard your own needs.
  

  How to be more friendly and social

  If you tend to be introverted or shy, it can feel uncomfortable to put yourself out there socially. But you don't have to be naturally outgoing or the life of the party to make new friends. You can make the extra effort to be more friendly and open to others, while still maintaining your own personality.
  

  • Focus on others, not yourself. The key to connecting to other people is showing interest in them. When you’re truly interested in someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll make far more friends by showing your interest rather than trying to get people interested in you.
  • Be genuine. Showing interest in others can’t be faked. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, others will pick up on it. Rather than fostering greater connection, your efforts will likely backfire. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. If you’re not genuinely interested in the other person, than stop trying to connect.
  • Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.

  Self-disclosure: the key to turning acquaintances into friends

  We all have acquaintances—people we exchange small talk with as we go about our day or trade jokes or insights with online. These relationships can be fulfilling in their own right, but what if you want to turn a casual acquaintance into a true friend?
  Friendship is characterized by intimacy. True friends know things about each other: their values, struggles, goals, and interests. If you’d like to transition from acquaintances to friends, the best way to do so is to open up to the other person. You don’t have to reveal your most closely-held secret. Start small with something a little bit more personal than what you normally discuss and see how the other person responds. Do they seem interested and receptive? Do they reciprocate by disclosing something about themselves?
  

  Gauging interest

  Establishing and maintaining a friendship takes time and effort, and not everyone is open to that at all times. Friendship takes two, so it’s important to evaluate whether the other person is looking for new friends.
  

  • Do they ask you questions about yourself, as if they’d like to get to know you better?
  • Do they tell you things about themselves beyond surface small talk?
  • Do they give you their full attention when you see them?
  • Does the other person seem interested in exchanging contact information or making specific plans to get together?

  If you can’t answer “yes” to most of these questions, the person may not be the best candidate at this time for friendship. They may not be open to a new friendship now, even if they genuinely like you. Maybe their social calendar is already overfilled or they’re too busy with other responsibilities. There are many possible reasons, so try not to take it personally!

  Tips for meeting new people

  Proximity is a huge factor in who we become friends with. We tend to make friends with people we cross paths with regularly: people we go to school with, work with, or live next to. The more we see someone, the more likely the chance of a friendship developing. So the places you frequent regularly are a good place to look for potential friends.
  Another big factor in friendship is common interests. We tend to be drawn to people we share things with: an offbeat sense of humor, hobby, the same cultural background, a shared major or career path, kids the same age. Think about the things you like to do, the causes you care about, or anything you’re passionate about. Where could you go to meet people who share the same interests?
  

  Making new friends: Where to start

  When looking for places to meet new people, try to be open to new ideas and experiences. Not everything you try will be successful but you can always learn from the experience and hopefully have some fun while you’re at it.
  

  • Volunteering can be a great way to help others while also meeting new people. Volunteering also gives you the opportunity to regularly practice and develop your social skills.
  • Take a class or join a club to meet people with common interests, such as a book group, dinner club, or sports team. Websites such as Meetup.com can help you find local groups or start your own and connect with others who share similar interests.
  • Walk a dog. It's good exercise for you, great fun for the animal, and an excellent way to meet people. Dog owners often stop and chat while their dogs sniff or play with each other. If dog ownership isn't right for you, volunteer to walk dogs from a shelter or a local rescue group.
  • Invite a neighbor or work colleague for a drink or to a movie. Lots of other people feel just as uncomfortable about reaching out and making new friends as you do. Be the one to break the ice. Your neighbor or colleague will thank you later.
  • Track down old friends via social media sites. Make the effort to reconnect and then turn your "online" friends into "real-world" friends by meeting up for coffee instead of chatting on Facebook or Twitter.
  • Connect with your alumni association. Many colleges have alumni associations that meet regularly. You already have the college experience in common; talking about old times can be an easy conversation starter. Some associations also sponsor community service events or workshops where you can meet more people.
  • Carpool to work. Many companies offer carpool programs. If your employer doesn't, simply ask your colleagues if they would like to share rides. It's a good conversation starter and will help you connect to people who live near you, as well as save on transport costs.
  • Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals, or other community events where you can meet people with similar interests. Check with your library or local paper for events near you.

  What's stopping you from making friends?

  Is something stopping you from building the friendships you’d like to have? Here are some of the common reasons people give—plus what you can do about it.
  

  Too busy

  Lots of us feel overbooked and overstressed, so it’s not surprising that we sometimes feel too busy for friends. Developing and maintaining friendships does take time and effort—there’s no getting around it. But even with a packed schedule, you can find ways to prioritize your friendships and make the time.
  

  • Put it on your calendar. Schedule time for your friends just as you do for your less-enjoyable responsibilities. Make it automatic with a weekly or monthly standing appointment. Or simply make sure that you never leave a get together with a friend without setting the next date.
  • Mix business and pleasure. Figure out a way to combine your socializing with errands or activities that you or your friend has to do anyways. It can be anything: going to the gym, getting a pedicure, walking the dog, shopping. It’s an easy way to spend time together while still being productive.
  • Group it. If you truly don’t have time for multiple one-on-one sessions with friends, set up a group get together. It’s a good way to connect and also to introduce your friends to each other. Of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re organizing a compatible group.

  Fear of rejection

  Making new friends means putting yourself out there, and that can be scary. It’s especially intimidating if you’re someone with trust issues—someone who's been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond.
  When you’re unable to trust others, your friendships will be dominated by fear—fear of betrayal, fear of being let down, fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is possible to learn to trust others. By working with the right therapist, you can identify the source of your mistrust and explore ways to build trust in existing and future friendships.
  For more general insecurities and fear or rejection, it helps to evaluate your attitude. Are you telling yourself that if someone isn’t as interested in you as you are in them that it will be absolutely horrible and humiliating and the worst thing ever? Do you feel as if any rejection will haunt you forever or prove that you’re unlikeable or destined to be friendless? These fears get in the way of making satisfying connections. In that way, fear of rejection can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to be rejected, but there are healthier ways to look at it that can make it less upsetting.
  

  • Just because someone isn’t interested in talking or hanging out doesn’t automatically mean they’re rejecting you as a person. They may be busy, distracted, or have other things going on.
  • If someone does reject you, that doesn’t mean that you’re worthless or unlovable. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they misread you or misinterpreted what you said. Or maybe they’re not a nice person! Again, a rejection is not necessarily a reflection on you.
  • You’re not going to like everyone you meet, and vice versa. Like dating, building a solid network of friends can be a numbers game. Try to focus on the long-term goal of making quality connections, rather than getting caught up in the friendships that didn’t pan out.
  • Keep rejection in perspective. It never feels good, but it’s rarely as bad as you imagine it will be. It’s unlikely that others are sitting around talking about it. There’s no big “R” for reject on your forehead branding you for life. Instead of beating yourself up, give yourself credit for trying and see what you can learn from the experience.

  Improve your friendships by being a better friend

  Remember that making a friend is just the beginning of the journey into friendship. Friendships take time to form and even more time to deepen. In order to move from acquaintance to close friend, you need to nurture and invest in that new connection. It's a process that requires time, effort, and a genuine interest in the other person.
  

  • Be the friend that you would like to have. Treat your friend just as you want them to treat you. Be reliable, thoughtful, trustworthy, and willing to share yourself and your time.
  • Be a good listener. To develop a solid friendship with someone, be prepared to listen and support them just as you want them to listen and support you.
  • Give your friend space. Don't be too clingy or needy, and be sure not to abuse your friend's generosity. Everyone needs space to be alone or spend time with other people as well.
  • Don't set too many rules and expectations. Instead, allow your friendship to evolve naturally. You're both unique individuals so your friendship probably won't develop exactly as you expect.
  • Be forgiving. No one is perfect and every friend will make mistakes. No friendship develops smoothly so when there's a bump in the road, try to find a way to overcome the problem and move on. It will often deepen the bond of friendship between you.